Personal Thoughts on Abusive Situations

I have been feeling like I need to make some personal comments after having read and posted the book review on Break Through. I have kept quiet on my blog about personal abuse in my marriage out of respect for my two teenage sons. However, reading Break Through has prompted me to give you some personal, insider notes without trying to make a big deal or cast blame. I do feel that at some point in time God will ask me to share, and I want to be obedient, ready and willing when that time comes. But for now, here are some comments from the perspective of someone who has been there.

To those in crises situations:

There is no shame in seeking help.

There is never any reason for someone to verbally or physically abuse you.

You did not "make" them do it to you.

Be prepared for denial on the part of the offender.

It will NOT get better, only worse.

To family members of those in crises situations:

Unless a person is ready to get out of the abusive situation, they will go right back to it. It’s easier to deal with what you know than the unknown.

Never, ever minimize the abuse with your loved one.

Do not pretend it did not happen.

The person in the situation needs to be acknowledged and allowed to give voice when the need arises.

Most of the time your loved one just needs to talk.

Yes, it's painful for you to hear.

Yes, you may want to take action against the offending party.

And no, you are not to blame for what happened or for not knowing what was going on.

The important thing is what you do now. Just don't let yourself get into a situation where you are enabling, you need to help your loved one grow.

How do you think God feels:

God loves you.

You are precious in His sight.

He died for us to free us from our sins.

He was ABUSED and MURDERED for us.

He knows what you are going through.

He wants you to be free from abuse.

You know, Christians have been taught that divorce is wrong; that under no circumstance should you consider divorce. I struggled with this issue of divorce for several years before breaking free. However, there are a few instances in the Bible in both the Old and the New Testaments giving permission for divorce. While waiting to make your decision you may need to get help and physically step away from the abusive situation and not return until you are certain the offenses will not happen again (which means that not only the offender needs to change, but you need to change, too). If your life is on the line you need to get out, and the sooner the better. And please, find someone you can trust and talk with.

I am a woman who is now five years free from living this type of life, and my situation was mild considering what I have seen and heard of others. I made a decision to get help (counseling and the help of family members), to change my life, to make good friends (do you really have friends when you are in this type of situation?), to grow into the woman I feel I was always meant to be. You can do it, too!

Reese

NOTE: I am not a professional counselor. I am not a counselor at all. My thoughts are just that, my personal thoughts. Please seek counseling from a professional if you are in an abusive situation!

Unexpected, Gentle Reminders...

Everyone knows that yesterday was Valentine's Day, but I wasn't too concerned about the day because I am a sort-of-happily single gal.  I'm sure most of you married and attached women out there are going to say "no big deal", but I was absolutely moved (to tears!) yesterday afternoon when a gentleman (one of my boss' MARRIED business associates, so no chance of anything romantic) walked into my office carrying a bouquet of mixed daffodils from his garden. 

Okay, I know getting a bouquet of flowers normally wouldn't move a person to tears.  But you have to understand the circumstances.  Not an hour before my flowers arrived I had a very emotional, disturbing conversation.  One that left me quite shaken. One that actually gave me a much needed kick in the seat of the pants. Then in came those flowers carried by a grinning gentleman and ... I embarrassed myself by crying! 

I was pretty sharp yesterday and knew immediately that God sent that gentleman to my office with those flowers.  He used that simple bouquet to remind me He cares.  No matter what I go through, He is there.  He has a plan for my life, which has been in place since before I was born.

Think about it for a moment, how has God blessed you?

Reese

For I know that He careth for me...

Trust Me -- I am with you

I felt overwhelmed by the news that my youngest son had fractured his knee.  He had a bicycle accident, the paramedics showed up, it was said that if he were their teen son, they would take him home and ice his leg.  I did that. Over the course of the weekend I petted and coddled, and enjoyed spending one on one time with him.  He learned to use crutches (although not very effectively), and even managed to shower and change by himself.  He enjoyed a visit from his aunt.  He enjoyed several visits from his dad.  He took pain medicine and he slept.  Most of the time he was just bored, because his older brother was spending time with their best friend! 

Sunday evening it was decided that he would go stay with his dad and work more on crutches so he would be ready for school.  Monday morning I had a phone call from his dad telling me that my son had fractured his knee!  That he had been taken to the emergency room, and that he was scheduled to see an orthopedic specialist Monday afternoon.  Of course I felt rotten for a while!  Oh, why hadn't I taken him to the doctor?!?  (Second guessing yourself is not fun at all.  I recommend you don't do it, no good can come out of it.)  It turns out my son is now needing surgery.

It seems that my first reaction is always tears and questioning.  However, on the way to the doctor yesterday morning a thought occurred to me.  I had read the night before about God allowing Satan to test Job.  Is this what was happening to me?  Wow.  Buck up, girl!  You are a child of the King and nothing can happen to you except what He allows.  God also says that He will not give me more than I can bear.  In other words, let this be a good Christian testimony.  Don't let Satan win!

Another of the other verses I have read this week, which has helped buoy me up is Genesis 46:3-4 "I am God, the God of your father, He said. Do not be afraid to go down to Egypt, for I will make you into a great nation there. I will go down to Egypt with you, and I will surely bring you back again. And Joesph's own hand will close your eyes."  Just the first phrase stops you.  "I AM GOD!"  Then He says He will go down with me, and HE will bring me back up. 

Again in II Chronicles 20:17 He says "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the LORD will give you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the LORD will be with you."  In other words, He will fight the battle for me. Don't let my discouragement take hold of me.  Get rid of it!  Why should I be discouraged?  I am a child of the King.  Everything is in HIS control, not mine. 

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."  Oh, this verse brings tears to my eyes.  It needs no further explanation.  I need to let this verse sink in and write it on my heart.

Every night for the past few nights God has been bringing to me verses of this nature.  I love how He uses Scripture to comfort me!

 Let me just end by saying, "O give thanks unto the Lord; for He is good: His mercies endureth forever.  O give thanks unto the God of heaven: for His mercy endureth forever." Psalm 136:1 & 26

~ Reese

It is well with my soul

This morning on the way to work I was remembering a song I have known all my life, "It is Well with My Soul" by Horatio Spafford (look it up on Wikipedia -- fascinating story on this song!).

I remembered how several years ago I was going through my divorce and it was a month before our hearing date. I was depressed and worried about the outcome and what would happen to me and to our two sons. During this time I played the piano for my church, and I needed something special for a Sunday offertory. I found a beautiful arrangement by Marilyn Ham for "It is Well with My Soul." Although the piece was difficult for me, I learned the song. Even though I learned the song specifically for a Sunday special, the song meant a great deal to me during my divorce and I played it quite frequently and with a lot of passion, even if lacking in skill. The song helped me keep my problems in perspective.

Over the past several years this has become my favorite piece of music to play, and still every time I play it I remember that whatever comes my way, no matter how bad I think it is, God's peace is there for me!

It Is Well With My Soul

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain:

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, with my soul,

It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,

Let this blest assurance control,

That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,

And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!

My sin, not in part but the whole,

Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,

Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:

If Jordan above me shall roll,

No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life,

Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But Lord, 'tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,

The sky, not the grave, is our goal;

Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!

Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;

The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,

Even so, it is well with my soul.

Horatio Spafford