Personal Thoughts on Abusive Situations

I have been feeling like I need to make some personal comments after having read and posted the book review on Break Through. I have kept quiet on my blog about personal abuse in my marriage out of respect for my two teenage sons. However, reading Break Through has prompted me to give you some personal, insider notes without trying to make a big deal or cast blame. I do feel that at some point in time God will ask me to share, and I want to be obedient, ready and willing when that time comes. But for now, here are some comments from the perspective of someone who has been there.

To those in crises situations:

There is no shame in seeking help.

There is never any reason for someone to verbally or physically abuse you.

You did not "make" them do it to you.

Be prepared for denial on the part of the offender.

It will NOT get better, only worse.

To family members of those in crises situations:

Unless a person is ready to get out of the abusive situation, they will go right back to it. It’s easier to deal with what you know than the unknown.

Never, ever minimize the abuse with your loved one.

Do not pretend it did not happen.

The person in the situation needs to be acknowledged and allowed to give voice when the need arises.

Most of the time your loved one just needs to talk.

Yes, it's painful for you to hear.

Yes, you may want to take action against the offending party.

And no, you are not to blame for what happened or for not knowing what was going on.

The important thing is what you do now. Just don't let yourself get into a situation where you are enabling, you need to help your loved one grow.

How do you think God feels:

God loves you.

You are precious in His sight.

He died for us to free us from our sins.

He was ABUSED and MURDERED for us.

He knows what you are going through.

He wants you to be free from abuse.

You know, Christians have been taught that divorce is wrong; that under no circumstance should you consider divorce. I struggled with this issue of divorce for several years before breaking free. However, there are a few instances in the Bible in both the Old and the New Testaments giving permission for divorce. While waiting to make your decision you may need to get help and physically step away from the abusive situation and not return until you are certain the offenses will not happen again (which means that not only the offender needs to change, but you need to change, too). If your life is on the line you need to get out, and the sooner the better. And please, find someone you can trust and talk with.

I am a woman who is now five years free from living this type of life, and my situation was mild considering what I have seen and heard of others. I made a decision to get help (counseling and the help of family members), to change my life, to make good friends (do you really have friends when you are in this type of situation?), to grow into the woman I feel I was always meant to be. You can do it, too!

Reese

NOTE: I am not a professional counselor. I am not a counselor at all. My thoughts are just that, my personal thoughts. Please seek counseling from a professional if you are in an abusive situation!

BOOK REVIEW: Break Through

By: Tim Clinton and Pat Springle
Copyright 2012
Published by Worthy Publishing

It is sometimes difficult for me to read about negative, destructive relationships, having come from one myself.  I wish I would have had this book a number of years ago, but I was able to get good counseling to help me sort out my own issues.  I was able to realize there was a problem, determine what the problem was, and seek to remedy that problem.  But I had to get away from the circumstances of that problem.  Reading Break Through five years after I stepped away, FREE, from my own personal issues sheds a lot of light on my situation and why I did the things I did.  I imagine I am not alone in personal relationship struggles.  In fact, I would venture to say that most everyone has had a negative relationship in their life, either by being the needy person or being the one who was controlling. And even though these relationships are unhealthy, it is sometimes easier to stay with something we know instead of breaking free into the unknown.  That is what Break Through, by Dr. Tim Clinton and Pat Springle seeks to explain. 

Here is an excerpt from Break Through which seems to sum up these harmful relationships:

"It is incredibly difficult to overcome a lifetime of entrenched habits, fixed and vivid memories, rigid brain patterns, manipulative feedback from a demanding person, and the adrenaline rush of pain and pleasure.  Until a major crisis creates an explosive combination of desperation and true hope that shakes us to the core, we will not change. Until that crisis rocks our world, we will cling to the false hope that the person(s) with whom we share an enmeshed relationship will magically change and everybody will live happily ever after."

Another point made in Break Through is that we all have to realize we cannot change another person.  We can only change ourselves.  And if the other person refuses to acknowledge that there is a problem and continues in the destructive pattern, then we must have the courage to separate ourselves from that relationship.  We ourselves cannot heal until we step back from our destructive behaviours, whether they be controlling others or being controlled by others.  We need to be willing to set things right with other parties, realizing they may not be willing to comply.  We may need to forgive and then move on with our lives, making sure to keep avenues open to accept and work with the ones we have been entrapped with, without allowing the same destructive habits to come back into the relationship.

Let me just take the opportunity to say this:  if you are in a destructive relationship where abuse occurs, find someone to help you!  Do it now, don't wait.  And if one person is not willing to help you, then search until you get the help you need. 

  

Clinton and Springle liberally use God's word to show how being in a hurtful relationship, whether we are the one hurting or the one doing the hurting, is not what God designed.  And using the same word of God to show how we can make changes in our lives to have better relationships with others.

Something to remember: 

"Crises seem utterly cataclysmic.  The heartache and darkness of a crises can be overwhelming, but God is the master of turning mourning into dancing and darkness into light.  If we step back, we might catch a glimpse of what he sees...God will use even our most difficult moments to produce the qualities of Jesus in us as we trust him.  And he'll replace our shame with hope -- the assurance that our lives matter and God loves us dearly.  We may not like the curriculum God has for us, but the outcome is sweet:  hope and love."

I hope that you will pick up a copy of this book.  Read it yourself, answer the thought provoking questions at the end of the chapter, share this book with a friend.  If you are hurting, take the first step to get help.  If you know someone who is hurting, be there for that person.  Lovingly help them get help to make needed changes.  Share this book and other books with them.  And by all means pray!

In order to comply with new Federal Trade Commission regulations, please note that this book was provided compliments of  Handlebar Marketing.

BOOK REVIEW: Lazarus Awakening

Lazarus Awakening

By: Joanna Weaver

Published by Multnomah Books

Copyright 2011, 2012

John chapters 11 and 12 give an interesting account of a man raised from the dead by Jesus. This was not just any man, but a man whom Jesus loved, along with his sisters Mary and Martha. Know who it was? Lazarus, of course! Who hasn't heard of the verse in the Bible that says "Jesus wept"? This is the man over whom Jesus wept. One of Jesus very good friends. However, not much is known about Lazarus; no words spoken by Lazarus are recorded, we don't know what he did for a living, we only know who his sisters were and where he lived, and that he was Jesus' friend.

Why did Jesus linger two days after receiving notice that Lazarus was sick, especially since Lazarus and his family were such good friends? Why did Jesus weep over Lazarus in light of the fact that He knew He was about to raise him up from the grave? Why did Jesus tell others to remove the stone from the tomb, or to unbind Lazarus from his grave clothes? All these questions and more are answered in Joanna Weaver's book Lazarus Awakening.

Mrs. Weaver's purpose is to share how we can apply the truths and principles learned from the true story of Lazarus to our own lives. God has wonderful plans for each of us, but He will not fulfill them unless we do what He requires of us, even though He is perfectly capable of doing so Himself. He could rid us of our own personal grave clothes and roll away the stones in our lives, but what would that benefit us? How would we grow as Christians?

Lazarus Awakening is beautifully ended with the story of Jesus' last dinner with His friends from Bethany. Just six days before that greatest Passover, Lazarus and his sisters give a dinner for Jesus, the same dinner where Lazarus' sister Mary anoints Jesus' feet with precious perfume and wipes them with her hair. Although she was criticized, Jesus knew of His approaching death and said "It was intended that she should save this perfume for the day of my burial" (John 12:7). Do you think she was thankful for what Jesus had done in her life and in the lives of her family?

I am looking forward to beginning the Bible study located in the appendix, scratching off my own grave clothes and learning how to help others with theirs, and then sharing this book. You won't be disappointed when you read Lazarus Awakening. Maybe you will be like me and have areas pointed out in your life that still need (in my case a lot of) work.

In order to comply with new Federal Trade Commission regulations, please note that this book was provided compliments of WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group.

Bear One Another's Burdens

I am slowly learning things about myself.  Things I wish I would have learned years ago.  Maybe I already knew these things, but just never put them into practice. I am talking about how to accept help from others.  Even when I feel like I don't need it. Even when I don't know I have something I need help with! 

This past Saturday afternoon I hosted a Sunday school party at my parents' place in the country. A friend volunteered to come down early and help set up, and he would bring another friend to help.  I thought I could do it myself, but remembered what my grandmother told me not too long ago, that I might be robbing someone of a blessing if I don't accept help when it's offered.  Even if I don't think I need the help.  Puts a whole new perspective on things!  So I accepted the offer.  And I was glad I did!  Apparently I worked too hard in the morning and early afternoon, or maybe I just got too hot from staying out in the Alabama sun so long, but I was tired, and ready for some help when it came along. Thanks, guys!!  It was nice to be able to finish setting up early and then sit back and relax, waiting for the rest of the gang to show up.  And you know what?  It didn't hurt me one bit to accept that help.  In fact, it was really nice!  I even let them help take things down!

The Bible talks about helping others.  "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ," Galatians 6:2.  That's not a suggestion, it's a command.  How can we help someone today?  Oh -- and how can you let go of your "control" on things and let someone help you?

Reese